Chief
by mollietaz
Summary: Chief finds that he is not the only one still hurting


Chief

With Christmas over and Susie safely delivered back to the orphanage the guys returned to the mansion.

Chief's hearing was getting better everyday but not his mood. He still felt responsible for Kathleen's death , not knowing why she felt the need to pull a gun on him, or it there was anyone in London

that was looking for her. He felt that with all the mistakes he had made in his life that it should have been him that died and not her, and the guilt was staying with him and affecting everything he did.

Craig decided that something had to be done to get the old Chief back , for all their sakes. He had offered them all another three day pass , hoping that it would help them get over the ordeal they had

been through in London, but each in turn had come to him and told him that they would just like to stay home , and just have the run of the village and the pub if they needed to get away for a while.

He knew that they would spend as much time at the cottage as they did at the mansion, but knew also that they would be made to feel welcome, and that Angel would always find something for them

to do to keep them out of trouble.

It came as no surprise to him when he found out that they had all been roped in to doing vital repairs to the roof of the local orphanage, or that they had been coerced into helping with the

decorations for the New Year's party that was to be held in the village hall. He was glad that she was keeping the three of them busy, it gave him time to decide what to do about Chief.

He saw the three of them off just after breakfast and then went to find Chief.

Having eventually found him in the library he stood for a while waiting for Chief to notice him, but as all to often now Chief was wrapped up in his own world and didn't hear him enter.

`Grab what you need Chief`, he said. `We're going to London`.

`There a reason? Asked Chief.

`Yes, because I say so , and the Doc wants to check your hearing, so let's move . All right? he answered.

`Suppose so`. Chief said sullenly.

`Good . Be ready in fifteen minutes, and don't make me come looking for you `, Craig warned.

Chief didn't answer.

Craig left the library and went back to his office. He thought for a moment and then picked up the phone and called Angel.

`Hi Honey `, he said when he heard her voice.

`Craig? You all right? I thought you were going out today`, she said.

`Yeah. Be out of here in about ten minutes, just needed to talk to you`, he said

`What about? Craig are you all right? She asked anxiously

`Don't know whether I can do this`. He said. `Still hurts Angel, after all this time.

`You think I don't know that? She asked

He didn't answer her.

`Craig you are the only one that knows what he's feeling right now, the only one that stands any chance of getting through to him. You have to make him understand that he's not alone, that this

wasn't his fault.

I know it hurts to remember but Craig right now you are the only chance he has , the only one that he trusts, that he will believe. He needs you Craig , so very much and I think that right now you are

the only hope he has`. She said tearfully.

`I wish I could be sure that it will help Angel`, he said

`We have to try Craig, we are all he has, and right now there is nothing that I can do to help until you get back , then I can be there for him, for both of you`. She said.

The silence seemed to last for the longest time and then she heard him take a deep breath and sigh.

`I'll see you later tonight , Honey , all right`. He said quietly.

`I'll be waiting`, she said. `Oh and Craig, I love you, you do know that , don't you?

`Only thing that I know for sure sometimes Honey `, he said

`Good luck little brother `. She said.

He put the phone down without answering her, picked up his coat and headed for the jeep.

…...

As they left the hospital Craig looked at Chief.

`You could be a little happier , another month and your hearing will be perfect again, that's good news , isn't it? He asked.

`Yeah , great news Warden, just a shame Kathleen's not alive to hear it.` He said sullenly.

`That wasn't your fault Chief, she was the one that pulled the gun on you, remember, she wasn't the saint your turning her into.`

`She's still dead, didn't deserve that , no matter what she did`, said Chief.

`But you did, is that what your telling me? Craig asked him angrily.

Chief said nothing and just carried on walking towards the jeep.

Craig took hold of his arm , made him look at him.

`Chief `. He said

Chief pulled his arm away, and looked at Craig.

`Just leave it Warden, all right , just butt out , `

`I wish I could Chief , but this doesn't just affect you , this affects us all, the whole team`.

Well maybe I don't want to be a part of a team anymore`. Chief said angrily.

`That's not something I'm willing to even consider Chief`. Craig replied.

`Well maybe it's not your choice to make. Chief said as he climbed into the jeep.

Craig said nothing, just started the jeep and concentrated on driving back to the estate.

After they reached the village he drove straight passed the road that would have taken them home , taking instead the road that led to the small church that served the village community.

`Think I need prayin' for? Asked Chief.

Craig did not answer Chief's question `Want to show you something`. He said quietly.

Chief continued to sit in the jeep. `Please Chief`, he said.

Chief looked at him , and then followed as Craig started to walk through the row of graves and headstones until he stopped at one tucked away in a corner.`

Chief looked at the headstone.

`It's your brother's `. he said

`Not just his , Sarah's too, but she's the only one here, David never made it home`. He said sadly.

Craig took a deep breath, unsure if he could do what needed to be done.

`This is my nightmare, the thing that I feel guilty about every day`, he said quietly.

`'Bout Sarah dyin' you mean? asked Chief.

`No. Not that. Well not just that. I've always been a soldier, never wanted to be anything else. But David , he wanted to teach. Soldiering wasn't for him, he hated every minute of it. When the war

came he decided that he had to do his bit , so he joined up, said he wanted to be more like me, not sit at home and do nothing. Do something useful. I was the one that told him what a great idea that

was .I got him killed. If he hadn't listened to me he would probably still be alive today`.

Craig sat in the bench near the wall, that surrounded the cemetery.

`He saved my life , when I went down he ran to drag me out of the line of fire, the second hit was dead on, he took the full force , not me. I'm the one who should be dead , not him. We were so

messed up they couldn't tell which one of us was alive until they got me home, no dogtags. Angel didn't know which one of us to grieve for and that was all my fault.

She looked at me sometimes and as much as she tried to hide it , I knew she blamed me, knew that she wished it had been David who had come home. She never said anything , but I knew, because

it was the way I felt too. I was the soldier , not him. It should have been me that died. Then when we lost Sarah too , and all I got was a few cuts and bruises I hated myself even more. If I'd died

when I should have , she would still be alive, and Angel wouldn't have had to suffer like she did, I felt that was my fault too. I was the one that caused her all the pain. She had taken me into her home

and given me a family and I took all that away from her . There were times when I didn't care whether I came back from missions or not, thought it would make life easier for her if I wasn't around

every day to remind her of David , to remind her of what I'd taken away from her.`

Craig finally stopped talking and looked at his brothers headstone and then put his head in his hands.

`You're not the only one with demons Chief`. He said quietly.

`Didn't things were so bad for you`, he said

`Keep my feelings well hidden, shouldn't be any body else's problem but mine, besides it's not something that I talk about a lot ,doesn't help any, not many people understand no matter how hard

they try, best just to try and forget it, just get on with what needs to be done`. He said. Guess you need to have been there`.

`It get any easier to deal with? Asked Chief.

Craig shook his head.

`Good days and bad , worse if one of you gets hurt, far too easy to blame myself for that, my job's to keep you safe , now isn't it? He asked.

`You do a pretty good job on the whole`. He said with a trace of a smile.

`Do my best`, he said smiling back.

`Guess if it's all right with you, we both might be able to talk about what happened , now we both feel as guilty as hell for not being able to change things we had no control over anyway`, Chief said

Craig sighed and looked at the headstone.

`Yeah maybe `, he said

`But not right now, if that's all right , think I need to get things sorted out in my head first , before I try to explain them to you`, Chief said.

Craig nodded.

`Can understand that`, he said. `But I'm here when you need to talk, and I do understand, I went through all this alone, I don't want you to do the same, it was the hardest thing I've ever had to

do .You have a family now Chief , use them, don't shut them out, they care about you too much, all you do is make them worry more`.

`Hard to remember that sometimes,` he said `been on my own too long , I suppose`.

`Trust me , she'll never let you forget you're family, even if I'm not around , Angel will be there if you need her`, Craig told him.

`Like a dog with a bone sometimes , ain't she`. Chief said laughing.

`Tell me about it`, he said

`Wouldn't have her any other way though , would you? Chief asked.

`Wouldn't change a thing, knowing that she's at home waiting makes all the difference to fighting this war, makes it bearable.` he said.

Chief nodded.

`Talking of waiting, she sitting at home waiting for us? Cos if she is we'd better get going, it's almost lunch time, and we've been gone a lot longer than we should have`, he said .

Craig looked at his watch, and smiled.

`Yep , we're in trouble , but I think this time we'll get away with it, as this was her idea anyway`, he said.

`Now why doesn't that surprise me? Chief asked.

Craig put his arm on Chief's shoulder.

`You ready to come home now? He asked.

`Yeah , I think I might just be`. He said `And thanks Warden, for everything`.

`You're welcome Chief, but do me a favour and lets keep this between ourselves, ok? He asked

`Probably for the best?, said Chief smiling. `What about Angel? She's going to want to know what's going on , and she'll not give up until we tell her`.

`She already knows how I feel, well most of it anyway, why don't you tell her the rest, might do you good to tell a friend, and she's a good listener`. He said.

`Might just do that`. Chief said `Got nothing to do for the rest of the day and the guys are in London, might see if she can spare the time this afternoon, if that's ok with you?`

`Yeah, I've got paperwork to finish , so I was going back to the mansion after lunch any way , might do you both good to spend some time together, take one of your long walks, know she enjoys that,

do her good to get out for a while`,

Chief stopped walking.

`Thanks again Warden, for talking to me, appreciate it.`

`Thanks for listening Chief, it was good to have a friend to talk too, promise I won't make a habit of it though`, he said smiling.

`Makes a difference , having a friend I mean`, said Chief.

`Yes it does Chief, makes a big difference, now lets get back before she decides we've been out long enough and starts to burn lunch`. He said.

`She'd make us sit there 'till we ate it too , wouldn't she? He asked

`You bet she would `, said Craig.`

They headed back to the jeep, both more relaxed now, grateful for the friendship they had found, and both looking forward to going home.


End file.
